Ch .2  “I’m Livin’ The Dream!”

“Don’t worry Eddy…”

After you leave your comfort zone, where your stuff is comfortable, your weekend is comfortable, and your surroundings are comfortable…you are bound to face some fears. For me these fears came mostly from my insecurities, but also from people who have tried and failed, and others have pretty much laughed in my face.

Here’s the part that’s been spiritually challenging for me.  I’d get so wound up in worry, and anxiety that I’d start to get really “undone” and break down from time to time, OK, for the first 10 days I cried every day. There, I said it.  And I’d go to the Bible to find all the passages about how God takes care of the lilies of the fields so how much more he’ll take care of us. I would think one of my favorite family stories. When I was a baby, only two people could stop my crying, my mother and Nanna Beach. Nanna Beach died when I was only 6 months old, but I’ve always felt a kinship with her. She died at a ripe old age, living all by herself in New England, didn’t make much money at all, sort of “hand to mouth” as they say.  When rent was due, my Uncle Ed would stop by and ask her  “Nanna, rent is due in a week! What are you going to do?” And she’d always say, “Don’t worry Eddy. Jesus will provide.” And Jesus always did.

My cousin told me this story one night when I spent Christmas with he and his wife in Washington state. Totally unrelated, that day I happened to have misplaced an expensive necklace that a friend had given me for Christmas.  I felt terrible for losing something so expensive so quickly! The next day I went out for a  5 mile run, the same run I had done the day the day before, and part way through, I started thinking about the story. I remember running to the edge of a lake, looking out and deciding that if Nanna knew that Jesus provided, and that He always came through for her, that I was going to adopt her way of thinking, her Faith.   When I got back to running the road, I was picturing where Nanna might have lived, what she might have worn, how she believed in Jesus, and I found myself completely stopped, there on the side of a wet Washington road. Looking down at my feet, there was that necklace. It was two inches from the front of my sneakers. 

With my Faith being as it is, I shouldn’t worry about anything, but I do, oh, do I. And that’s where I feel like I’m personally failing my Faith. What kind of Christian am I if I am worried about the future? I’m a pretty normal one I bet. And I think that in every transition period where you are full on out there, completely throwing everything you have at chasing the dream, there are bound to be long periods of time where you face difficulties that rattle your bones and senses, and test your Faith.  Just because my Faith is tested, doesn’t mean I don’t have Faith, it means I’m working on deeper levels of relying on it. This is where I have come to understand the importance of surrendering to God and realizing that I am not in control. I’m really not. Everything that should have gone smoothly, went awry.  The “sure thing” apartment that I had, got ripped out from underneath me, as did the back-up plan apartment. All the money that should have come to me, was held up for one reason or another until I was down to borrowing money to dry my clothes and eating crackers for dinner.  But what are you going to do? You know it won’t last forever, so you pray. You learn different ways to pray and you work. And you find different ways to work. Big Woop. No Worries. Relax and eat your nice crackers.