Zan's Blog

To All Perspective Dream Chasers

“I’m Livin’ The Dream!”

Advice to all perspective dream chasers.

A lot of you who have been following me on Facebook, and know that I’ve recently moved out to LA. I heard someone recently asked about me, “Why did she decide to jump so quickly to LA?”

Answer: Because I’m following my dreams.

Sounds really “pie in the sky” doesn’t it? “Following your dreams” sounds like it’s all rainbows and happy challenges where you get to the finish line with a robust smile on your face. Those are the Kodak moments. They get captured for perpetuity, but what you don’t see is the day to day, hour to hour struggle. What you don’t get is that every day, I feel my guts up in my throat, I’m that scared and intimidated by this big city. Courage is facing your fears and moving forward, so this move to LA is the most courageous thing I’ve ever done in my life. This coming from a girl who has backpacked Europe many times by herself, walked along the top of a steaming live volcano, lived on a small island - in a tent on the side of a hill overlooking the ocean in the US Virgin Islands, walked through Harlem alone past midnight, given her mother’s eulogy and has the courage to tell the truth even when it’s not the easy thing to do. In fact, I think telling the truth, is one of the most courageous things we can do. So that’s why I have to do this, because my truth, and it has been since I was 10, is that I want to live in California and be an comedian/actress.

I’ve hid behind everything I could find to not do it. I moved to the other side of the country and gave up acting for 7 years. But that dream inside of me couldn’t stay hidden forever. And I feel like if I don’t follow it, then I’m not being true to myself.

The past year I’ve been in the most nurturing, nest of a place, where I’ve been allowed to just heal from the worst year of my life. And as I left that place of comfort and started my drive out west, oh did the fears start pouring in! I spent the first 6 hours of the drive crying. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, spending too much time looking at what I DIDN’T have, versus counting my blessings. But heck, all I could see was what I didn’t have. Fear had me by the throat, still does, but now I’m just used to it. Sure, it’s there but I’m not going to let it rule my life. No way.

It’s not an easy path. Here’s something I’ve learned so far – there’s a flip side to living your dreams. When you get what you want, there are a few things that come along with getting it, that you didn’t know were going to be part of the equation. For instance I got to be a part of a national tour, on a big Rockin’ Roll tour bus. Dream come true. Flip side? I’ve never been so isolated and lonely in my life. Imagine never being able to see any of your friends or family? Not having the love of your pet to make you happy when you are sad? Living out of borrowed spaces for over a year…I’d do it all again in a heartbeat, I just didn’t know there was a flip side to the dream album.

Now you do.